I know what every man out there is thinking being I’m a “DO NOT” female contributor: Here’s
another angry girl who’s mad with some dude, trying to retaliate by telling men the “DO NOTS” of a relationship. Look, I don’t give a crap that you leave the toilet seat up or have exclusive “tug-of-war-time" showering sessions. I've seen my fair share of shitty and gross eating etiquette by men in every way imaginable. You know, the real life treasure hunt you travel around the fucking equator for as if you need a map, coordinates and a compass to guide you. Hint: Between legs.
Now, before you get upset and decide to pack up your balls and leave, know one thing: Don’t get your balls all tangled in a knot and butt hurt.I’m sure there’s a mastermind out there somewhere. You may enjoy this more than you think considering it involves one of your favorite images during your daily activities or “chafing sessions.” This is the “DO NOTS” of the lesbian dating world. If You think shit gets crazy being a man dating a woman, you may tolerate her shit and feel lucky after this.
Being that I’ve known my entire life I was gay, but wanted to fit in, the above comments I know from experience. The entire feminist thing can be thrown out the window as well as the “she got fucked over” or the “you haven’t had me yet” as the reason for my homosexuality. It’s not a choice, some people don’t get it.
Straight men seem to understand more when I put it like this: The way you like women, is the way I like women. The way you like men, is the way I like men. It’s almost as if you put a neurological synaptic misfire back on route. You will know this happens if they puke a little after the "men liking men comment."
OK. I’m starting with
life-saving DO NOTS in the hopes of saving a lesbian or two. Veteran
lesbians (hahaha) or “Gold Star’s” (never been with a man)
already know this shit, and I wish I KNEW this shit when I came out.
I would have been a lot happier with one ex in particular.
If you don’t enjoy blood and or have an OCD, it’s very simple: The bean is above the wound and there’s also a cure called Tampax.DO NOT use “I’m on my period” as an excuse to not have sex. Serial killers have been dealing with bloody messes their entire careers with OCD’s and as for enjoyment? Become a vampire or start a future in “Crime Scene Analysis.” Problem solved.
DO NOT ( I repeat) DO NOT EVER take the last tampon. Lesbians will end up cycling together and if you’re the stud and pull that type of crap, she’ll be writing your epitaph. Just agree with anything she says and prepare for excessive drinking. Then invest in a membership at Costco (tampons in bulk) and learn the psychology of selective hearing. It’s what men do when they want to live.
DO NOT ever be late on your period if you’re regular and have a girlfriend. Especially if you’re announcing you’re a “lesbian.” You may need to update your Facebook status to “interested in men and women.” Then invest in a minivan, because you’re ass got knocked up.
That brings me to a huge DO NOT.DO NOT be a hypocrite and call bisexuals confused or judge them for being with a male or a female off and on. I’m so sick of this stigma that straight and gay people put out there about bisexuals. Now listen here: Equality, remember? Bisexuals are simply misunderstood.DO NOT call them confused as you’re wrong. They simply love with the heart, not the anatomy.
DO NOT act like a lesbian or like you’re bisexual if you aren’t.It’s extremely annoying and it’s pathetic as a tactic used to get attention. Playing with someone’s emotions is wrong. There are plenty of insecure whore’s just like you out there to make regretful YouTube videos with in order to catch a boy: Reference #1:YouTube and Reference #2:Google/regretfulwhores.
DO NOT ever believe the “am I fat? I won’t get offended,” line EVER! Either you end up dog house, or trying to have sex becomes a fucking full time job. Just tell her “NO,” or you getting her fully naked will be like dragging a vampire into the freggin’ sun.
DO NOT FUCKING EVER RECYCLE TOYS. That shit is so disgusting. I don’t give a dildo how it’s “dishwasher safe,” in my book that’s grounds for termination. Being a lesbian gets expensive, deal with it.
DO NOT (if you’re dating a stud) take the last pair of boxers. You will need a bible and the hand of god to protect you if you force her to wear your thong to work all day. Unless you want to piss her off of course J
There are so many DO NOTS when it comes to the world of lesbians, that I figured maybe if the closet dwellers had some information they would crack the door open. I may have scared them to nail the damn door shut, or hopefully the courage to knock it down.
There is one thing that’s great about being a lesbian. You have someone who understands you emotionally and knows the pressures of being a woman in society today. You have a best friend to spend the rest of your life with that cares so much. The one thing that’s hard for lesbians to do is not care. Unless of course, you just did any of the DO NOTS above. Then you’re kind of fucked and I’ll pray for you J
If you don’t enjoy blood and or have an OCD, it’s very simple: The bean is above the wound and there’s also a cure called Tampax.DO NOT use “I’m on my period” as an excuse to not have sex. Serial killers have been dealing with bloody messes their entire careers with OCD’s and as for enjoyment? Become a vampire or start a future in “Crime Scene Analysis.” Problem solved.
DO NOT ( I repeat) DO NOT EVER take the last tampon. Lesbians will end up cycling together and if you’re the stud and pull that type of crap, she’ll be writing your epitaph. Just agree with anything she says and prepare for excessive drinking. Then invest in a membership at Costco (tampons in bulk) and learn the psychology of selective hearing. It’s what men do when they want to live.
DO NOT ever be late on your period if you’re regular and have a girlfriend. Especially if you’re announcing you’re a “lesbian.” You may need to update your Facebook status to “interested in men and women.” Then invest in a minivan, because you’re ass got knocked up.
That brings me to a huge DO NOT.DO NOT be a hypocrite and call bisexuals confused or judge them for being with a male or a female off and on. I’m so sick of this stigma that straight and gay people put out there about bisexuals. Now listen here: Equality, remember? Bisexuals are simply misunderstood.DO NOT call them confused as you’re wrong. They simply love with the heart, not the anatomy.
DO NOT act like a lesbian or like you’re bisexual if you aren’t.It’s extremely annoying and it’s pathetic as a tactic used to get attention. Playing with someone’s emotions is wrong. There are plenty of insecure whore’s just like you out there to make regretful YouTube videos with in order to catch a boy: Reference #1:YouTube and Reference #2:Google/regretfulwhores.
DO NOT ever believe the “am I fat? I won’t get offended,” line EVER! Either you end up dog house, or trying to have sex becomes a fucking full time job. Just tell her “NO,” or you getting her fully naked will be like dragging a vampire into the freggin’ sun.
DO NOT FUCKING EVER RECYCLE TOYS. That shit is so disgusting. I don’t give a dildo how it’s “dishwasher safe,” in my book that’s grounds for termination. Being a lesbian gets expensive, deal with it.
DO NOT (if you’re dating a stud) take the last pair of boxers. You will need a bible and the hand of god to protect you if you force her to wear your thong to work all day. Unless you want to piss her off of course J
There are so many DO NOTS when it comes to the world of lesbians, that I figured maybe if the closet dwellers had some information they would crack the door open. I may have scared them to nail the damn door shut, or hopefully the courage to knock it down.
There is one thing that’s great about being a lesbian. You have someone who understands you emotionally and knows the pressures of being a woman in society today. You have a best friend to spend the rest of your life with that cares so much. The one thing that’s hard for lesbians to do is not care. Unless of course, you just did any of the DO NOTS above. Then you’re kind of fucked and I’ll pray for you J
yes omg yes
ReplyDeleteLove the perspective you give!!
ReplyDeleteWasn't what I expected when I followed SB's link in here but still brilliant. Not a perspective one sees often and it gave me some great laughs. :D
ReplyDelete